Some things are just too funny to ignore: Origin of Sub-Species

This piece is shamelessly purloined from one of the dozens of email forwards that I get daily.  It’s funny, but not if you fancy yourself a liberal.  If so, then don’t read it.  My apologies in advance to my liberal friends — you know who you are.  This may warrant another

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Dr. Pepper warning: Don’t read while drinking a Dr. Pepper at the risk of blowing it out your nose whilst convulsively laughing. Continue reading “Some things are just too funny to ignore: Origin of Sub-Species”

Funny stuff DOES happen in court

This file Texas Pleading, shows that lawyers do have a sense of humor. You may have heard about the lawyer who sought a continuance so he could see the Rangers in the World Series.  This is the motion filed by the lawyer.  Dr. Pepper warning: you don’t want to be drinking a Dr. Pepper or other carbonated beverage while you read this lest you snort beverage all over your keyboard!  A teaser:

And the motion goes on, and on, and .. ..

This proceeding also demonstrates that some judges, some, have compassion.  He got the continuance.

Advice from a (self-admitted) drunken sailor

This was sent to me by my cycling-fanatic friend Don and it is advice that all should heed. Besides, being ex-Navy myself I can attest to the wisdom of the source:

Advice we can all use -- further explanation not needed.

My 100 mile run

At last! The Couch-to-5k program was the beginning. I got off the couch and completed the 9-week program at which point I could run the 3 miles.  Wanting additional guidance and inspiration, I designed an additional running schedule for 16 weeks of training using the Runner’s World Smart Coach. But that was too slow and I happened to be reading Born to Run(1) which is about ultrarunners who run 100+ mile races, which I found to be quite inspirational (while clearly demonstrating the ability of the human to run like that); therefore, being convinced that I could run like that, I set out to do so.

After all, I had basically taught myself to ride enduro bikes and later to snow ski by visualizing and mentally rehearsing the activity. So after reading Born to Run and visualizing every step, I knew I was ready. So away I went.

Well, visualizing worked for four miles and that was fine because I had to be in court by 8:30  🙂

But I did the four miles at the same pace that last Friday I had done three miles (11:45 min./mile) and only had to pause to walk very briefly three times. Total of 6.04 miles with the warmup and return home later, with 789 calories burned. Fastest pace was 10 min/mile and the heartrate was avg/max of 145/170 for the 3-mile segment.

(1) Christopher McDougall, Born to Run: A Hidden Tribe, Superathletes, and the Greatest Race the World Has Never Seen (Knopf, 2009. ISBN 0307266303)

Things to wonder about

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to “put your two cents in”.. but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?

Our awesome generation

(purloined from an email)

Here’s to US!!!!

No matter what our kids and the new generation think about us,

WE ARE AWESOME !!!!

OUR LIFE IS LIVING PROOF !!!!

To Those of Us Born 1920 – 1965

At the end of this email is a quote of the month by Jay Leno.. If you don’t read anything else, please read what he said.

Very well stated, Mr. Leno.

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE

1930’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70’s!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn’t get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.

Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar.

And, we weren’t overweight.. WHY?

Because we were always outside playing…that’s why!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day.

And, we were OKAY.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Play stations, Nintendo’s and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD’s, no surround-sound or CD’s, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms.

WE HAD FRIENDS

and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping pong paddles, or just a bare hand and no one would call child services to report abuse.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.

Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment.

Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

If YOU are one of them, CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn’t it ?

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:

‘With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?’